Image credits:
Erick M. Ramos
*For privacy purposes, the name ‘Noah’ will be used to refer to the interviewee
“My mum can be a pretty judgmental person and my sister, who was going through some personal issues, found it difficult to tell her anything. So, I came out to my mum as a way of showing her how difficult she could be sometimes…kind of like, ‘I have something to tell you, do you wanna listen?’”
While most of us were barely able to feed ourselves, Noah was already discovering things about his identity. After coming across a men’s magazine at the tender age of three, Noah felt a certain attraction towards it and was en route to uncovering his sexual orientation and sense of identity. Little did he know what an arduous journey it would be.
I first met Noah at our university’s orientation camp. Drawn to his charismatic, chatty nature, we were quick to click and our friendship took off from there.
Our conversations are always colourful and insightful. They typically go from discussing heavy topics such as existentialism and politics to what Beyoncé song he is currently dance-working-out to or the latest Thai drama series that he cannot get enough of.
But today, our conversation was to take a different turn as I found myself treading on unknown territory; discovering a part of Noah which I’ve never really known about or necessarily understood in our two years of friendship.
Now twenty-three, Noah bares to me his entire life’s story over Zoom, along with his vulnerabilities, conflicts and hopes for the queer community and himself.
Noah was always certain about his identity as a queer/gay man. Even so, his growing years were riddled with internal conflicts and struggles, a battle he had to fight all alone.
Noah recounts to me how his journey of self-discovery began - for as long as he could remember, he was playing with his two elder sisters’ dolls and wanted to partake in everything they were doing.
“You know the phrase ‘born this way’? Sometimes, I wonder if I was really born this way or was it because I had two sisters, and not much of a strong male presence in my life,” adds Noah, with a thoughtful expression.
Despite certainty of his sexual orientation, a particular moment in his adolescence had left a deep impact on his growing years.
“I remember when I was in secondary or primary school, one of my male cousins- who’s your typical machismo, alpha male type, comes along and says, “You know gay people are mentally ill.” And that sort of just closed me off. It made me not want to be open about myself,” recalls Noah.
This statement, along with conservative parents who were unaccepting towards notions of homosexuality, had rendered years of avoidance and repression of Noah’s sexual orientation. He recalls with amusement on how he even used to have a “fake girlfriend” in primary school, despite knowing his identity from a young age.
I was intrigued by how Noah, with barely any experience and knowledge of the world, felt the innate need to perform a feigned masculinity to his primary schoolmates at such a young age.
“For the longest time, I actually completely closed off all forms of sexual thoughts and feelings from secondary school to JC...I kind of just repressed everything. But I actually came out to my mum, of all people, when I was around seventeen or eighteen and she rejected it.”
“My mum can be a pretty judgmental person and my sister, who was going through some personal issues, found it difficult to tell her anything. So, I came out to my mum as a way of showing her how difficult she could be sometimes…kind of like, ‘I have something to tell you, do you wanna listen?’”
Despite her judgemental nature, this rejection was to come as a surprise to Noah for all along, he had thought of his mum as someone who was always interested and eager to know more about her children’s lives. This, however, was to be the first in a series of setbacks and disappointments in the years ahead. The journey to self-discovery, acceptance and authentic living was to be a long and lonesome one.
Observing his calm and composed nature, and the way in which he speaks with an air of self-confidence, it is hard to believe that Noah faced such crippling and condemning experiences in the past for simply wanting to be himself - a given for many of us.
He recalls how, in extreme irony, he even used to be homophobic towards more effeminate men and towards those who were more confident in displaying their sexual identity.
“I remember I was in NS and there was this guy who was a drag queen and participated in drag performances and was super open about it. Even though I could easily talk to him, I was so self-conscious about how he was performing gender and I was so uncomfortable with that. I realised my behaviour was projections of my own insecurities and not being accepting enough of my own sexual identity.”
Noah’s deeply introspective nature never fails to amaze me as I watch him thoughtfully analyse his past idiosyncrasies in an articulate fashion. It was interesting to see how Noah’s deepest insecurities manifested in his daily interactions and how ironic his behaviour was - all in the pursuit of simply wanting to be himself someday.
However, despite these instances, NS was also the time when he started to truly discover himself after having much time for reflection. As Noah says, it was like opening “Pandora’s Box” and he decided there and then that it was time he live a life truly for himself.
But this was easier said than done. In fact, it was only the beginning of a long road ahead to true self-acceptance and honesty.
When we first met, I distinctly remember Noah telling me that he was in a relationship with a girl. This particular relationship was to last two whole years and it was only until a few months ago that he decided to break it off and live authentically for himself.
At this point, after all that Noah had told me, I was perplexed. Didn’t Noah make a resolution to live a more authentic life? It seemed like he was directly contradicting himself and opting for the complete opposite instead.
Despite wanting to change his narrative, Noah still felt the need to hide under the guise of a feigned romance, performing a masculine role which he felt so disparate from. It was sad to see how he was still very much under the grips of societal and familial pressures to live up to various masculine standards.
I couldn’t help but wonder how difficult and tiring it must have been to constantly pretend to be somebody he was not. As a straight female, I have never once felt the need to question nor hide my identity. Being myself is simply a given.
“It was more of a convenient, platonic love. I did see her as a cover…it was so much more convenient to say that I had a girlfriend, and there were pictures to prove it. It avoided intrusive questions about my love life and sexuality. But deep in my heart I knew I was lying to myself and it felt shitty. But I was happy that I had company.”
Two years into the “relationship”, Noah decided to end things and live unapologetically for himself. This was also the time he entered the world of dating apps which ranged from Tinder to Grindr - out of curiosity, in exploration and in the hopes of finding love.
But I was to learn that hook-ups actually lend Noah a moment of validation - even if they are fleeting and superficial. In those transient moments, feelings of yearning and desire are quenched. These are the closest things Noah can get to the love and romantic partnership he craves.
“I was very much yearning, and still am. I always yearn because I’ve never been in an authentic, serious relationship. It has always very much been casual…and it doesn’t go beyond that. After having as many body counts as I have, and repeatedly going for booty calls, you realise a trend- they don’t offer to pay for my ride and they don’t reciprocate the favour.”
Noah tells me how difficult it is to find love within the queer community alone, where apps such as Grindr are generally tailored to offer quick hook-ups or, as he refers to them, “booty calls”. He constantly feels an overwhelming sense of objectification as in most cases, he is very much used as merely a tool for sexual pleasure.
“You really start to question yourself because you see how you’re getting used here cause I am someone who catches feelings very easily.”
To further narrow down the pool, Noah expresses how the fact that he is of minority race and having to constantly deal with beauty standards, amplify such a struggle.
“In Singapore, within the queer scene, intimacy is so difficult because Indians like myself, who are very much visibly Indian - I’m dark skinned - becomes a marker of your ‘Indianness’ and in Singapore, you need to perform ‘Chineseness’.”
As Noah explains to me, “Chineseness”, pertaining to the dominant race in Singapore and its respective beauty standards, commonly seeps into his daily life and interactions. Thus, making dating difficult for him as he frequently finds himself needing to perform “light-skinnedness”- something that is virtually impossible for Noah.
Besides issues of race, Noah tells me how there are naturally multiple expectations and “conditions” to be met in the dating scene. Referring to himself as “not the most good looking and fit” person, Noah explains to me how the responsiveness and frequency of hook-ups or dates are highly dependent on body type and conventional beauty standards.
“If I was fitter and more good-looking, I’m sure I’d get many more matches than I currently do,” Noah adds.
However, Noah’s struggles do not end there.
“It’s really difficult because I’m either exoticised by other men for my race or I straight away get the reaction of “eugh I don’t want”, and shunned by people because of my race too. This becomes very damaging to my self-esteem.”
With the superficiality of dating apps and hook-up culture, I can only imagine how frustrating it is for Noah time and again, for someone who is seeking love but is never able to find it.
“Everything is superficial on the app. People are not going to get to know my personality…that’s why when it comes to intimacy, I will never be like…” Noah’s voice trails off and dissipates into a deep sigh. He stares blankly for a second and I momentarily feel the weight of his sadness through the screen that separates us.
Facing harsh rejection based on something that is beyond his control- race, and navigating unrealistic beauty standards, these have inevitably taken a toll on Noah’s confidence and hopes of finding love.
I remember constantly lecturing Noah and telling him to delete Grindr in the past. I just could not fathom the idea of him continuously going through such cycles of toxicity and objectification. I was sick of seeing my friend get hurt and rejected and used time and again.
But I was to learn that hook-ups actually lend Noah a moment of validation - even if they are fleeting and superficial. In those transient moments, feelings of yearning and desire are quenched. These are the closest things Noah can get to the love and romantic partnership he craves.
“Yeah, it’s a bad cycle,” Noah adds with a sad smile as he acknowledges how damaging it all ultimately is.
Will there ever be hope for queer men like Noah? Or will they forever be banished to the side lines of love, stuck in a cycle of toxicity and constantly misunderstood by society?
I refuse to believe that the latter shall always be so.
It is difficult to see why Noah, one of the brightest, most humble and passionate individuals I’ve come to know, should be robbed of opportunities and love on the basis of his identity.
While Noah’s unique experiences are just one of many, and is not representative of the entire queer community, to deny one of such basic rights simply because of their sexuality sheds light on the self-centeredness and apathy of our society.
“So, what are your hopes for the queer community?” I ask Noah.
After a few thoughtful moments, Noah reflects on how he hopes that people within the community become more affirming of a spectrum of identities.
“Since we are already marginalised, shouldn’t we be united together?” asks Noah, as I capture a tinge of sadness in his eyes.
This rhetorical question got me thinking about the past one hour’s worth of conversations ranging from love, rejection, racism and beauty standards. I couldn’t help but think about the insidious and seemingly innocuous ways in which racism and beauty preferences are manifested in Noah’s daily experiences and interactions. Such prejudices aren’t always exhibited in overt ways, as many people might imagine so. Instead, it is through the frequency of matches and dates that race and beauty seem to be constant determining factors.
With multiple layers of pre-requisites that need to be filtered through, I cannot imagine how dating, something that society has pitched as an exciting and adventurous experience, can turn into a very real struggle for some.
“With all that has been said, do you have any particular thing to say to people who find it difficult to accept homosexuality and queerness?”
Noah answers, “You should judge people for their character, rather than for who they like. It’s not a character flaw if you’re part of the LGBTQ community. Rather than stigmatise them, you should be affirming of their identity.”
“You don’t need to understand it but you should not treat them less than, neither should you bombard them with uncomfortable questions. You should be an empathetic listener - listening to understand, rather than respond.”
“Attend a Pinkdot, read the resources out there to understand, educate yourself and that way, the world will be a better place someday.”
Noah’s words made me ponder on how homophobia seeps into society through implicit and insidious means. It is not merely through overt actions and speech that define homophobia, but through one’s smallest reactions, thoughts and unconscious biases that form the basis of such prejudice.
The past one and a half hours had uncovered so much that I previously did not know about Noah and the LGBTQ community. I was also educated in many ways unimaginable as I proceeded to reflect on my own prejudices and unconscious reactions that may have manifested in the past towards members of the LGBTQ community.
We all have our flaws but in moving forward, the next step is to become more conscious of and responsible for our thoughts, words and actions. We should also strive towards sparking greater conversations pertaining to marginalised groups within our community to understand their struggles, hopes and needs.
Just like how many of us long to be understood for our character, so do individuals like Noah, and to approach them with pre-conceived notions and biases in mind is to deny them the basic right to love and respect.
